


Prisms and pixie dust

by imaginary_dragonling



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dense Dumb boys in love, Dreams, Gift Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Post-Canon, Requited Unrequited Love, Soft bois at the end, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, and cheese, and it's probably non-canon compliant with how I've heard the manga ends, at least up to season 4 of the anime, but oh well, i haven't read the manga, let's just pretend m'kay (:, so much cheese, there's a happy ending i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28175262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginary_dragonling/pseuds/imaginary_dragonling
Summary: Oikawa smiles bemusedly at Kuroo Tetsurou.Kuroo’s smile is wide, soft with memory while his golden gaze, normally piercing sharp and hawklike, only holds fondness as he thinks about the person most important to him. It’s amazing how the power of a soulmate can turn even the most astute and cunning individual like Kuroo into a giddy schoolgirl.Oikawa wonders if he’ll ever feel that way about someone…Iwaizumi couldn’t pinpoint when or where he had fallen in love with his best friend. Somewhere between chasing Oikawa around the sandpit when they first met, to watching him leave on the train for Tokyo while Iwaizumi stayed behind, Iwaizumi has always looked towards Oikawa.So here Iwaizumi was — standing on the train platform, trying to stay calm as he prepared to take the plunge into what could be the best or worst decision of his life so far.Because he is going to do it.He’s going to confess to Oikawa.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou & Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 101
Kudos: 137
Collections: Haikyuu Secret Santa 2020





	1. The truth is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greendoodle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greendoodle/gifts).



> Here's the Soulmate AU you asked for!! 💞 I hope you like it!
> 
> Huge thanks to [BabblingBadger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabblingBadger/pseuds/BabblingBadger) and [Snow_Falls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow_Falls/pseuds/Snow_Falls) for the screams and beta :D
> 
> Writing [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5K4Ie9DXgXlVBtilYIHrg3).

_ It feels like the calm before the storm and the retreat of the sea before the crash of waves. _

_ The set is short and time slows. Ushijima sees the gap. He hits the ball through it... _

_ The ball hits the floor before Ushijima finishes his swing and the trap is sprung. _

_ It’s a small moment — inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. It shouldn’t matter. _

_ But it does. _

_ The storm breaks, the crowd roars, and there’s nothing but the fierce joy of victory… _

“...and that’s how I knew he was my soulmate!” Kuroo finishes triumphantly.

Oikawa smiles bemusedly at Kuroo Tetsurou.

Kuroo’s smile is wide, soft with memory while his golden gaze, normally piercing sharp and hawklike, only holds fondness as he thinks about the person most important to him. It’s amazing how the power of a soulmate can turn even the most astute and cunning individual like Kuroo into a giddy schoolgirl.

Oikawa wonders if he’ll ever feel that way about someone.

“Wow, Tetsu-chan. How does it feel to have your soulmate realization thanks to Ushiwaka’s stupid face?”

Kuroo throws back his head and laughs. “I got to feel Tsukishima’s ‘moment.’ That makes it all worth it.” Kuroo lets out a happy sigh and leans his head back into his arms, gaze far away and dreaming.

In the short few months that they’ve been friends, he’s rarely seen Kuroo so animated, so open with his thoughts and feelings.

Oikawa tries to keep the bitter green monster in him slumbering.

“Who knew Megane-chan had it in him to get that emotional about volleyball,” Oikawa taps his chin in mock seriousness. “Good to know that your soulmate isn’t a total stick in the mud, Tetsu-chan!”

“Oya oya, are you trying to pick a fight with my soulmate?”

“Been there, done that,” Oikawa says breezily. “I’m just thinking about your overall happiness, Tetsu-chan. Are you sure you want to go steady with this boyfriend thing right now?”

“Hmm, you know, I used to think that I wanted to wait until I was set up in life — finished with education, stable job, owned my own apartment, you know what I mean — before I settled down and tried to find my soulmate. But hey,” Kuroo stretches his long legs out, knees knocking into Oikawa’s, “life had other plans. And this just feels right.”

Oikawa curls his feet away from Kuroo’s and into the remaining empty space in the cramped train compartment they’re sharing.

“Well, I guess you have a month to find out if this serious relationship thing with Megane-chan is going to work out.”

“Yeah, a whole month…” Kuroo’s eyes mist over again and his gleeful smile radiates a childlike anticipation. Just as Oikawa is about to tease him about what a sap he’s become, Kuroo seems to pull himself together and says, “Anyway, what about you? Got a soulmate dream to share?”

Kuroo’s gaze is piercing, the sort that gives the impression that he can read your mind. Luckily, Oikawa has had plenty of practice in the art of deflection.

“Nothing significant enough to share.” Oikawa flicks imaginary dust off his pants. “Besides, you know how I feel about soulmates. You used to feel the same way.”

“Right… It’s just something for the future. But,” Kuroo cocks his head to the side, “you don’t seem curious about who it is at all.”

Oikawa’s smile is coy. “Tetsu-chan,” he purrs, “you can’t have me. You already have Megane-chan.”

Kuroo snorts and aims a kick at Oikawa’s foot. He scuffs the empty floor instead. “You know, half the campus thinks we’re dating. Are you sure it’s not  _ you _ who wants to date  _ me _ ?”

“Please, Tetsu-chan,” Oikawa bats his eyelashes at Kuroo, “I have standards.”

“You’re a joy to be around, Oikawa.”

“Well, I don’t hear you correcting anyone.”

Kuroo shrugs and says with a smirk. “You’re a useful cover to ward off unwanted attention.”

“Tetsu-chan! Is that all I am to you?” Oikawa presses a hand to his heart, feigning pain. “Just a pretty face to compensate for your terrible hair?”

“Hey,” Kuroo runs fingers through his bedhead, messing it up even more, “don’t lie. You like my hair.” Kuroo snickers as Oikawa rolls his eyes. “But no, seriously… I hang out with you because someone has to protect the rest of the world from your shitty personality.”

“Mean, Tetsu-chan!”

Kuroo guffaws.

“Well,” Oikawa says, voice dripping with sarcasm, “thank you for being my guardian angel...my savior... _ my better half _ .”

“Don’t mention it, sweetheart.” Kuroo winks.

“Tch. You’re lucky I like you, Tetsu-chan.” Oikawa turns his nose up and away as Kuroo laughs some more.

“Anyway, speaking of people you like,” Kuroo folds his hands over his stomach, “I can’t wait to meet this Iwa-chan of yours.”

There’s a glint in Kuroo’s eyes that sends the heat rushing to Oikawa’s face. “Tetsu-chan, he’s not  _ my _ Iwa-chan, I mean he is, but not like  _ that! _ ”

Kuroo grins and holds up his hands. “I know, I know… You’re just childhood friends. You’re not dating or anything. You just text him half the time. And talk about him the other half of the time. But I understand. Not dating. Right.”

Oikawa huffs and turns to stare outside the window. They had left Tokyo some time ago and the scenery had turned greener and more mountainous as they approached Miyagi.

“Iwa-chan is like a brother to me. Dating him would be weird.” Oikawa crosses his arms and slouches into his seat. “You’ll see.”

“Sure.” comes Kuroo’s reply. He sounds sincere, but something about it tells Oikawa that Kuroo doesn’t quite believe him.

It grates at Oikawa like sandpaper, and the monster inside him stirs.

“Iwa-chan is my best friend,” Oikawa recites. He looks Kuroo in the eye and holds his gaze for added effect. “It’s not like that between us.”

_ He’s not my soulmate. _

It’s the truth but Oikawa leaves it unsaid.

He’s long accepted it — beaten it into a mantra he can answer by rote when his relationship with Iwaizumi is questioned.

It’s the truth.

“If you say so.” Kuroo blinks and his lopsided smile is kind. “So, what’s the first thing you’re gonna show me in your country-bumpkin town?”

Oikawa breathes out with relief and launches into his plans to show Kuroo the Sendai Astronomical Observatory. Kuroo becomes engaged enough in the current conversation and the subject of soulmates is soon far enough behind them that Oikawa can relax again.

But even though they are soon laughing and joking again, the knot in the pit of Oikawa’s stomach remains.

It grows into a fissure of anxiety when the name of their station is called. As he and Kuroo busy themselves in the organized scramble to collect their belongings and move towards the doors, anticipation begins to bubble up as well.

Staring through the plexiglass as the blurred landscape sharpens into the details of the train station, Oikawa realizes with a jolt of excitement that he’s about to see Iwaizumi Hajime again.

Iwa-chan had promised to pick him up from the train station. So there, somewhere on the platform, Iwa-chan was waiting for him.

Suddenly, the doors can’t open fast enough and Oikawa begins scanning the crowd, trying to pick out that distinctive spiky head and tanned skin.

_ He’s my best friend. _

_ I haven’t seen him in months. _

_ It’s natural to miss him. _

It’s the truth, Oikawa reminds himself sternly, tightening his grip on his luggage bag.

_ He’s not my soulmate. _

It’s the truth and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.

_ I don’t have a soulmate. _

It’s the truth.

Even if it hurts.


	2. There’s something I want to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The doors of the train slide open and Iwaizumi looks up and down the platform for Oikawa. He spots the brown fluffy head of hair through the outpouring crowd almost immediately and before he knows it, his feet are carrying him as fast as they can towards Oikawa.
> 
> Oikawa flings himself into Iwaizumi’s arms and Iwaizumi catches him, hugging him tight.
> 
> “Welcome back, Oikawa,” he gruffs out.
> 
> The world melts, the hole in his chest disappears, and Iwaizumi has never felt more at peace. He wants to stay like this forever, and that gives him the last bit of courage to definitely confess to Oikawa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ Iwaizumi take my energy ༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ

The neon seconds on the digital clock tick by and Iwaizumi resists the urge to check his watch for the umpteenth time in five minutes.

He jams his hands deep in his pockets and scowls at the overpriced bouquets on display at the nearby flower stall, where poor panicked saps are tempted to get a last minute gift. The inflated prices are not enough of a deterrent, Iwaizumi knows. He’s one of those poor saps after all.

Iwaizumi walks to the opposite side of a pillar and leans against it, foot tapping a tattoo on the concrete.

Maybe he should get a rose. Or a dozen. Was that too much?

Iwaizumi runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands in frustration. 

This wasn't going to be easy. But why did it have to be so damn hard?

Watching Oikawa leave for university in Tokyo had left an empty hole in his chest, one that he had chalked down to nostalgia and the end of familiar things. During the subsequent semester of separation, they had been in constant communication through calls and texts. Yet the spaces felt empty, like something was missing no matter what he filled his time with, or with who.

It had prompted some deep soul searching for Iwaizumi, and with the questions had come the realization: he wants more than just friendship with Oikawa.

Iwaizumi couldn’t pinpoint when or where he had fallen in love with his best friend. Somewhere between chasing Oikawa around the sandpit when they first met, to watching him leave on the train for Tokyo while Iwaizumi stayed behind, Iwaizumi has always looked towards Oikawa.

He’s followed him from the nursery to high school, from the playground catching bugs into battle on the volleyball court.

Now, Iwaizumi can’t imagine a future without Oikawa, can’t imagine not wanting to hear from him, can’t fathom not seeing him happy for the rest of his days. Iwaizumi would give anything to make that happen.

Even if Oikawa isn’t his soulmate.

Iwaizumi exhales and crosses his arms, pacing up and down the platform as he tries to burn off the nervous energy building within him.

Struggling with the identity of his soulmate is nothing new to Iwaizumi. For most people, their soulmate dreams were the key to finding their soulmate. They were intense, vivid experiences that showed you your soulmate’s heart through their eyes. This generally translated into dreams about important events seen from a soulmate’s perspective. But just like how no two people are alike, two people's soulmate dreams were quite the same. Some soulmate dreams showed the emotions experienced during the event while others focused on the thoughts running through their soulmate’s heads. In most cases, there were enough context clues for soulmates to find each other — some crossing continents and oceans to find their one true love.

But for Iwaizumi, his soulmate dreams only left him confused, discomfited, and unsure of himself. It had taken him years of dreaming and piecing bits together to gain some semblance of meaning from his soulmate dreams. Unfortunately, they told him nothing of who his soulmate was. More disheartening was the fact that even after years of wondering and watching and waiting, no one had yet come forward claiming to be Iwaizumi’s soulmate.

Iwaizumi refused to dwell on why, but he avoided the topic of soulmates as much as he could. Perhaps sensing Iwaizumi’s discomfort, Oikawa had never voluntarily broached the subject of soulmates either.

It was a tacit arrangement in their friendship that Iwaizumi would forever be grateful for.

Oikawa, for how much he loved pushing Iwaizumi’s buttons, steered clear of the topic, and even though Iwaizumi sometimes burned with the desire to know more about Oikawa’s soulmate and soulmate dreams, he held his curiosity in check. It didn’t feel right to know about something so personal if he wasn’t willing to share either.

But while Iwaizumi’s soulmate dreams were confusing, they left open a possibility that filled Iwaizumi with a terrible, dangerous hope: They didn’t exclude Oikawa as his soulmate.

So here Iwaizumi was — standing on the train platform, trying to stay calm as he prepared to take the plunge into what could be the best or worst decision of his life so far.

Because he is going to do it.

He’s going to confess to Oikawa.

It’s a walk along a knife’s edge, a stand on the edge of the precipice. This could go wrong in so many ways, but it could also go oh so right.

Iwaizumi doesn’t know which way the scales will tip, but he’s tired of chasing shadows. He’s tired of doubting and waiting and worrying about the nebulous, impalpable future.

Not when Oikawa is real and tangible and he’s never been more sure of his feelings for Oikawa than he is now.

It’s taken a while to build up the courage and conviction to take a chance and confess to Oikawa, but Iwaizumi figures better late than never.

And something tells him that if he doesn’t do it now, he might never.

The train rattles into the station as the intercom blares with the announcement of the arrival of the train from Tokyo. Iwaizumi stands his ground as the crowd shuffles around him, commuters inching towards the train doors.

Iwaizumi’s heart thumps as the train slows, coming to a near silent halt.

Fear and hope wage war inside him, battling as they have for years, pushing and pulling him to the brink of madness.

One way or another, this will stop today. In either crushing despair or blissful euphoria, Iwaizumi wants the torturous limbo to end.

He’ll tell Oikawa on the way home, once they’ve stopped by Oikawa’s favourite café for milk bread.

Iwaizumi is prepared for his heart to be shattered. But the slim chance that Oikawa might feel the same way — might even make all of Iwaizumi’s prayers come true and tell him that they are soulmates — steels his resolve and gives him the strength to start rehearsing his prepared speech in his head.

The doors of the train slide open and Iwaizumi looks up and down the platform for Oikawa. He spots the brown fluffy head of hair through the outpouring crowd almost immediately and before he knows it, his feet are carrying him as fast as they can towards Oikawa.

Oikawa sees him too and the pure joy in his best friends eyes makes Iwaizumi feel like he can fly.

“Iwa-chan!”

Oikawa flings himself into Iwaizumi’s arms and Iwaizumi catches him, hugging him tight.

“Welcome back, Oikawa,” he gruffs out into the side of Oikawa’s neck, inhaling the foreign scents from the train until the familiar scent of mint and lavender hits him.

For a moment, the maelstrom inside him quells. The world melts, the hole in his chest disappears, and Iwaizumi has never felt more at peace. He wants to stay like this forever, and that gives him the last bit of courage to definitely confess to Oikawa.

Iwaizumi breathes in Oikawa one last time and begins his prepared speech: “Oikawa, there’s something I want to tell—”

“Oh, Iwa-chan, I almost forgot!”

Iwaizumi opens his eyes as Oikawa pushes him away, disentangling their arms as Oikawa steps back into the crowd and away from Iwaizumi.

Oikawa is distracted, searching for something behind him until he grabs onto it, dragging it forward.

The something turns out to be a someone — a very tall, disheveled looking man with terrible bedhead and golden eyes.

“Iwa-chan, I want you to meet Kuroo Tetsurou,” Oikawa says warmly. There’s a smile and a sparkle in his eyes as he grasps the man by the waist and pulls him flush against his side. “Tetsu-chan is my better half from Tokyo and will be staying with me while I’m home. Please take care of him!”

Oikawa beams up at Kuroo Tetsurou, whose lop-sided smirk stretches into a Cheshire-cat grin as some private joke passes between them.

Iwaizumi tears his eyes away from their smiling faces, looks at Oikawa’s hand around Kuroo’s waist and Kuroo’s arm around Oikawa’s shoulder, and feels the ground beneath him crumble as his brain catches up to the meaning of Oikawa’s words. He wishes he could fall into the abyss beneath him.

“Hi Iwaizumi. I’m Kuroo, nice to meet you.” Kuroo extends a hand — the hand not around Oikawa’s shoulder.

Iwaizumi feels numb as he takes Kuroo’s hand, unable to smile as they shake hands.

Kuroo has no trouble smiling and his eyes look Iwaizumi up and down with curiosity.

Iwaizumi feels naked under that piercing gaze and he drops Kuroo’s hand with a cough.

“H-hi. Uhh...nice to meet you. Kuroo,” Iwaizumi all but chokes out. And then, before he can panic further, he lunges for the bags nearest to him and calls over his shoulder, “Ready to go?”

He doesn’t wait for an answer as he strides towards the exit, doesn’t slow his steps even when Oikawa whines about him going too fast.

His feet stomp down the streets and his heart pounds, but all he can hear are the tumultuous thoughts screaming in his head:  _ Kuroo Tetsurou?! _

_ Who? When? _

_ HOW???  _

_ If Oikawa and Kuroo are soulmates, where does that leave me? _


	3. Something I want to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though Iwaizumi has known Kuroo for all of two seconds, he can tell that underneath the laid back attitude and carefree demeanor, Kuroo is every bit as driven and charismatic as Oikawa.
> 
> He is a good match for Oikawa. And the inside jokes and easy camaraderie between them only underscore that, outside of any romantic feelings, they are also very much good friends. It would be entertaining to see how easily Kuroo can fluster Oikawa with his wicked sharp wit, except the way Oikawa flirts back makes Iwaizumi’s stomach churn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLD ON IWAIZUMI!!! ༼ つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ

They end up in a cafe. It’s not the one that Iwaizumi had planned on stopping by with Oikawa, but it’s one with decent coffee and okay pastries.

Iwaizumi is left to babysit the corner booth with the bags while Oikawa and Kuroo order. He can’t stop staring at them.

Oikawa hmms and hawws over the menu while Kuroo teases and laughs at Oikawa making up his mind. Kuroo is laid back, body language oozing confidence and self assurance as he smiles and flirts with Oikawa.

They get along well, Iwaizumi thinks dully to himself. The shock of the unexpected meeting at the train station is beginning to subside, leaving him feeling exhausted and slow witted.

Kuroo leans into Oikawa’s ear to whisper something which causes Oikawa to giggle. Iwaizumi’s fists tighten.

Has Oikawa ever laughed like that around him?

It’s a distressing thought and Iwaizumi is so caught up in combing his memories for when he last made Oikawa laugh in that way that he doesn’t notice Kuroo coming over.

“So, Iwaizumi, you used to play volleyball with Oikawa?”

Iwaizumi’s head swivels up as Kuroo slides into the booth opposite him. Kuroo’s golden eyes peer at him from under his messy fringe, one long fingered hand propping up his chin.

“Uhh yeah. Since elementary school.” Iwaizumi glances around for Oikawa, easily spotting him where he lounges by the pickup area, chatting up the cute baristas.

“You’ve known him for that long, huh. Has he always been like that?” Kuroo jerks his head towards Oikawa, clearly following Iwaizumi’s line of sight.

Iwaizumi folds his arms and shrugs. “Pretty much since we were teenagers.” 

Oikawa has always been a giant flirt, but Iwaizumi knows that he only flirts as a self-defense mechanism or when he wants to charm the pants of someone for some ulterior motive. There’s always an imbalance of power when Oikawa Tooru flirts.

It’s always been obvious to Iwaizumi, but does Kuroo not know this?

Iwaizumi can’t help feeling a surge of pride and before he can stop himself, he asks, “Does it both you?”

It’s a deceptively innocent question. Iwaizumi has posed that question to enough of Oikawa’s dating partners to know that it either sparks vehement denial or hesitant admittance, both of which precede the swift end of their relationship.

But Kuroo does neither. “Oikawa flirting with any pretty little thing?” Kuroo cocks his head to the side as if considering this for the first time, “No, should it?”

Iwaizumi has to admire the man’s self-confidence. He’s known many of Oikawa’s dating partners who have started sweating when Oikawa even looked at someone else. But Kuroo doesn’t look even remotely rattled.

“No...no it’s good. If it doesn’t bother you.”

Kuroo’s smile is bemused, his expression staying relaxed. It irks Iwaizumi for some reason.

“He seems happy,” Kuroo says, nodding towards Oikawa who is in full on flirt mode and seems to have managed to charm the baristas enough to be presented with an assortment of pastries and cookies to sample.

“Uhh yeah. It’s been a while since he was home.” Kuroo’s face betrays nothing of what he’s thinking and Iwaizumi shifts in his seat, wishing he could read Kuroo better. “How about you? Have you been to Sendai before?”

To his surprise, the question elicits something other than passive amusement from Kuroo. “Once in person last year.” Kuroo’s smirk widens to a genuine grin. “Many times in my dreams.”

Iwaizumi swallows, his heart beginning to thump again as his imagination runs rampant at the implications. If Kuroo knew that his soulmate was in Sendai, when did he figure out that Oikawa was his soulmate? Did they already meet last year? When would they have met? Why hasn’t he heard of Kuroo before? Oikawa would have told him if he’d met his soulmate, right? “Err… How long have you known?” Iwaizumi asks. His thoughts feel like broken glass — threatening to scatter and wreak havoc if he doesn’t handle them, but painful if he holds on too hard.

“For sure? Only a few months. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d want to settle down with my soulmate until much later but…” Kuroo shrugs, a slow smile spreading on his face. “We’re taking it slow.”

“Oh. I see.” The new shards rattle and cut. Does this mean that Kuroo and Oikawa found each other and have been dating for months? Why hasn’t Oikawa mentioned meeting Kuroo sooner? Before he can piece together another question, a tray holding drinks and pastries clatters between Iwaizumi and Kuroo.

“Here we are!” Oikawa’s sing-song voice interrupts. “Here’s your coffee, Iwa-chan!” A cup of coffee appears in front of Iwaizumi, the hot liquid just the correct shade of tan. “What were you two talking about?”

“Just swapping embarrassing stories about you.” Kuroo quips, giving Iwaizumi a conspiratorial wink. Iwaizumi avoids answering by taking a sip of his coffee — it has just the right amount of milk and no sugar. Just the way Oikawa knows he likes it. 

“What?!” Oikawa squawks, planting himself down beside Kuroo. He turns his gaze on Iwaizumi, chocolate brown eyes filled with mock shock and betrayal. “Iwa-chan would never!” 

Iwaizumi blinks at Oikawa. Oikawa’s eyes hold back suppressed laughter, ready to join in the joke. 

_ He looks so happy _ , Iwaizumi thinks. 

Oikawa is looking at Iwaizumi with childish glee, waiting to be let in on the punchline, and Iwaizumi feels a pang at how much he’s missed him. Any resentment bubbling to the surface in Iwaizumi drains away. He can question Oikawa later. For now, the glass still glitters and Iwaizumi just wants to admire it.

“Just telling Kuroo about what a shitty boyfriend you are, Trashikawa.”

Kuroo erupts into laughter that resembles the braying of a donkey while Oikawa’s pretty face turns into a pout.

“Mean, Iwa-chan!”

“Trashikawa?!” Kuroo hoots. “What other nicknames do you have, Iwaizumi?”

“Tetsu-chan, no! Iwa-chan don’t you dare!!!”

The conversation devolves into name-calling and stories of Kuroo and Oikawa’s first semester playing on a team together. 

Iwaizumi let’s Kuroo and Oikawa do most of the talking, concentrating instead on chewing his cardboard-tasting scone while he has a front row seat to Kuroo teasing Oikawa.

It’s not that Iwaizumi is jealous of the obvious affection Oikawa has for Kuroo. He’s seen Oikawa date other people before. But while the others would sway and dance to the music of Oikawa’s choosing, Kuroo gives as good as he gets. He seems immune to Oikawa’s charms while having just enough of an effect on Oikawa to keep the banter between them flowing.

Even though Iwaizumi has known Kuroo for all of two seconds, he can tell that underneath the laid back attitude and carefree demeanor, Kuroo is every bit as driven and charismatic as Oikawa.

He is a good match for Oikawa. And the inside jokes and easy camaraderie between them only underscore that, outside of any romantic feelings, they are also very much good friends. It would be entertaining to see how easily Kuroo can fluster Oikawa with his wicked sharp wit, except the way Oikawa flirts back makes Iwaizumi’s stomach churn.

When their cups are empty and only crumbs remain, Kuroo excuses himself to the restroom.

Oikawa sighs and settles back into his seat.

“This is fun,” Oikawa declares in satisfaction, slurping up the diluted slush of his frappuccino. “Aren’t you glad I’m home, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi looks at Oikawa who has turned away to check his phone. Iwaizumi drinks in the sight of Oikawa in front of him: the way his hair catches the light, turning the ends golden; how his eyelashes flutter as he blinks; the softness of his smile; the way his lips curl up at the ends with fondness.

A few hours ago, this was all he had wanted, one moment in time with Oikawa where he’s close enough to touch, close enough to breathe in, close enough to whisper his heart to.

_ It’s not too late _ , a voice inside him whispers. They are alone for the moment, and Iwaizumi can seize it; can get what he’s been hiding in his heart for so long off his chest.

Yet, the words stick in his throat, his thoughts are scattered, and the fear of rejection blooms from a lurking shadow into a wall of certainty.

Oikawa is taken, and Iwaizumi didn’t even get the chance to tell him his feelings. It’s not fair. How is this fair? Iwaizumi can’t bring himself to tell him now, because he doesn’t want Oikawa to have to reject him, to be forced to turn Iwaizumi down, to be forced to hurt him.

Broken glass is sharp and Iwaizumi is holding on too close, squeezing too tightly, drawing blood before it even registers that he’s been cut.

Iwaizumi’s head and heart are a mess and he wishes that he’d never met Kuroo, wishes he could return to a time of blissful ignorance, when the hope of a future with Oikawa as his soulmate still existed. But just like broken glass, what else was there to do but to throw it all away?

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa is staring at him, head tilting in question. 

Iwaizumi realizes that he’s been silent for too long and clears his throat, downing the last dregs of his cold coffee as he tries to pull his expression into something neutral. When he can no longer hide, he gathers his breath and says the only thing he can. “Yeah, Oikawa. I’m glad you came home too,” he lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🙃 This is fine 🙃
> 
> Please feel free to leave a comment, ask a question, or even just an emoji ❤️🥺🔥👍!  
> I'm also on [tumblr](https://imaginarydragonling.tumblr.com/post/168897289719/texts-i-never-sent) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/im_dragonling) if you want to talk!


	4. When did we become this way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who knew you were such a sentimental softie, Tetsu-chan.”
> 
> Kuroo punches Oikawa lightly in the shoulder. “Shut it, I can't help myself. When you're in love, it's just like that, right? You know how it is.”
> 
> The restless monster in him rouses and Oikawa slaps on a smile.
> 
> It’s not Kuroo’s fault that no, Oikawa will never know what it feels like to have a soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy.

“Megane-chan. You know...it’s ok to look happy next to your soulmate.”

Tsukishima Kei’s expression stiffens further and Oikawa presses the capture button, forever immortalizing the moment in HD pixelated glory.

Oikawa beams as Tsukishima glowers at him, but any scathing remark the blonde might have said is stymied by Kuroo’s low chuckle.

“It’s alright. I like all Tsukki’s expressions and the ones only I can read are best.”

Kuroo’s delighted shit-eating grin only widens as Tsukishima blushes pink with pleasure followed swiftly by embarrassment.

“Kuroo-san, I—” Tsukishima begins just as his phone rings. A quick glance is followed by a frown. “It’s my mother. I have to take this, excuse me.”

Tsukishima hurries off with his phone pressed to his ear while Oikawa flips through his photo reel from the evening.

“Can you send those to me?” Kuroo asks, coming over from the bench he had been sitting on to peer over Oikawa’s shoulder.

“Which ones?”

“All of them.”

Oikawa makes a face.  “Who knew you were such a sentimental softie, Tetsu-chan.”

Kuroo punches Oikawa lightly in the shoulder. “Shut it, I can't help myself. When you're in love, it's just like that, right? You know how it is.”

Kuroo’s innocent words sting and Oikawa bites his tongue to keep the bitterness from overspilling. Kuroo is wholly unaware of Oikawa’s internal strife, but Kuroo’s words still cut deep.

The restless monster in him rouses and Oikawa slaps on a smile.

“Send yourself the ones you like.” Oikawa turns his phone over to Kuroo and walks over to the bench to sit down. He tries to keep calm, wrestles reason from the jaws of the monster, using tired perspective to beat it on the head.

It’s not Kuroo’s fault that no, Oikawa will never know what it feels like to have a soulmate.

The monster — that old, ugly thing born of jealousy, envy, and despair — opens its maw and mocks him.

_ You don’t have a soulmate. _

_ All your dreams are of yourself. _

_ You are your own soulmate. _

_ How narcissistic can you be? _

_ Why are you so unlovable? _

Oikawa closes his eyes, tilts his head back, and breathes in deeply. The sweet fragrance of kinmokusei fills his senses and he chases after the scent of autumn.

_ I don’t have a soulmate. _

_ It’s the truth. _

_ But it’s alright. _

_ I’m alright. _

_ I’ve gotten this far without a soulmate. _

_ I don’t need a soulmate...right? _

The bench beside him creaks.

“You tired?” comes Kuroo’s voice.

“What makes you think that, Tetsu-chan?” Oikawa keeps his eyes closed. The battle inside him is nothing new. He’s dealt with this before. No need to kick up a fuss.

He can feel Kuroo shrug beside him. “You haven’t been sleeping well.”

So, Kuroo had noticed. Since arriving home, Oikawa had started having soulmate dreams again. Or rather, just the one dream — over and over, night after night.

Like all his soulmate dreams, this one was of something that had happened recently. This time, it was the day Oikawa came home.

_ It starts with Oikawa stepping off the train. There is the rush of the crowd around him, the disorientation of one among many, the jostle of competing trajectories. _

_ And in the confusion, Oikawa sees him. _

_ Iwa-chan stands out, the only clear figure among the blurry mass of bodies. Their eyes meet, and Oikawa can feel his heart leap, warmth and happiness suffusing him. _

_ He yearns for Iwa-chan and his legs can’t carry him to Iwa-chan fast enough. _

_ As he draws near, Oikawa sees Iwa-chan’s green eyes glint and his white teeth flash against his bronze skin as his stern face breaks into a smile. It’s a rare expression, and Oikawa’s heart flutters because he knows it’s just for him. _

_ Their embrace is everything he wants and more. It’s warm and familiar. Their bodies feel like jigsaw puzzles fitting together. Everything else falls away, leaving just the two of them in their own private oasis. Oikawa feels complete, he feels brave, he feels like he can take on anything. _

_ That’s when he hears it... _

_ “Oikawa...” _

_ His name falls from Iwa-chan’s lips in a whisper — timid like a prayer yet stirring like a warcry. It captures his attention, enraptures him like a candle in the void. _

_ He waits for more. _

_ “...there’s something I want to tell—” _

—and Oikawa awakes with a shout on his lips and a burning need to  _ know _ . What had Iwa-chan wanted to say? What had he been about to tell Oikawa? Why hadn’t Oikawa paid attention when it was happening??

Sleep was impossible after the dream. He had managed to fall asleep again the first night, but the dream recurred and Oikawa found no rest.

With Kuroo staying at his house, Oikawa supposes it was too much to hope that the late nights Kuroo spent talking to Tsukishima would be enough distraction from Oikawa’s troubled nights. Still, he didn’t quite know if he should feel touched that Kuroo cared enough to notice, or annoyed with himself for letting his unrest be noticed. 

“Just adjusting to being back in my own bed, Tetsu-chan!” Oikawa says breezily as he opens his eyes.

His wide-eyed stare is met by Kuroo’s raised eyebrow. “Well, you were up super early, and we’ve been traipsing all over town today… Not to mention you’re now third-wheeling my date with Tsukki—”

“You know how I love being the center of attention.”

Kuroo snorts. “You know, I’ve been wondering… You haven’t seen him since he picked us up from the train station last weekend. Why didn’t you invite Iwaizumi to come with us?”

Oikawa stiffens, hands stilling in the middle of running his fingers through his hair to fix it.

If only Kuroo knew that Oikawa had been seeing Iwaizumi in his dreams every night. But Oikawa has never talked about his soulmate dreams to anyone, and he doesn’t feel like starting now.

Not when his ears ring with the way his name had fallen from Iwaizumi’s lips, like it was some precious, priceless thing. It’s funny how Oikawa can barely remember Iwa-chan saying anything as this was happening, but now that he’s re-lived this memory in his dreams, it’s all he can hear, all he can think about, all he can remember when he wakes.

Like the trickle of pebbles precipitating an avalanche, Iwaizumi’s unfinished words dance like sparks from a flame, there but not there, always tantalizingly out of reach. What did Iwa-chan want to say?

Oikawa wants to know.

But he also doesn’t want to know.

Because with flames comes fire. And Oikawa can smell the smoke. Iwaizumi’s words were the tip of the iceberg, the start of something big. In his soulmate dreams, Oikawa could feel the energy gathering, the tension building, the approach of something momentous, something monumentous, something about Iwa-chan’s  _ soulmate _ .

And Oikawa is afraid.

All his life, for as long as he has struggled with facing his soulmate dreams, the one balm he has had was Iwaizumi Hajime by his side. Through the trials of growing up, beneath society’s expectations and insistence to find one’s true love, Iwaizumi has always been there supporting him. Whenever the cacophony and clamour became too much, Oikawa would look for respite in Iwaizumi’s company. And he would always find it.

Iwaizumi has never pushed Oikawa to talk about either of their soulmates. While it may seem odd for best friends to stay silent on such an important subject, Oikawa can’t help but be glad that he has been spared from thinking about Iwaizumi with someone else.

It’s incredibly selfish, but the fact that Iwaizumi has been reticent on pursuing his soulmate thus far has been a source of comfort for Oikawa. After all, if Iwa-chan didn’t seem to care, a soulmate can’t be that important, right?

It’s a pretty lie he’s told himself over the years to hide from the ugly horrid truth — that monster which festers, waiting to come roaring back to life. Because despite all the lies he tells himself to drown his fears, Oikawa knows, deep down, that one day, Iwaizumi — steadfast, loyal Iwa-chan — will find his soulmate and Oikawa will be left alone.

It’s a fear that consumes him now. Hard as he tries to stamp it out, the sinister flames smoulder in the ashen corners of his mind, eating away at him.

Iwaizumi’s words are fans to a flame and Oikawa’s thirst to know is wind to a wildfire.

So even though he wants to know, yearns to hear what Iwaizumi had to say, Oikawa is terrified of getting burnt.

It’s become apparent over the past few days how much he’s come to rely on Iwaizumi. Like the central pillar to a house, Oikawa is scared of what might happen should the pillar be removed.

If it turns out that Iwaizumi was trying to tell him that he has found his soulmate… Oikawa’s not sure what sort of house he would be left with.

“... Iwa-chan’s busy. Big finals week this week.”

“Oh?” 

Oikawa ignores the piercing golden gaze on him as best as he can.

“Yeap.” Oikawa says, emphasizing the ‘p’ with a loud pop.

He knows what a coward he’s being, knows how selfish his choice is, knows that he owes Iwaizumi his support and so much more...but he can’t help it. Caught between dousing the fire and protecting his fragile glass heart, Oikawa chooses to run, to delay the inevitable for as long as he can.

So he fights his urge to know, avoids thinking about his dream, and doesn’t pester Iwaizumi to come hang out with him and Kuroo.

Maybe if he doesn’t bring it up, neither will Iwaizumi. And maybe that means that Iwaizumi will never leave...

“Oh, I have a friend in Sendai who’s throwing a party this weekend.”

Oikawa blinks at Kuroo. “Tetsu-chan has more friends in Sendai?”

“Just an old classmate from high school.” Kuroo pockets his phone, finally done with transferring the photos he wants. “They’re loaded though. They’re renting a huge place and are throwing an end-of-the-semester shindig. They know how to party, so it should be fun.”

“Hmm, a party with your friends...” Oikawa hums, too distracted by his thoughts to notice the glint in Kuroo’s eye.

“C’mon, I thought you liked being the life of the party,” Kuroo cajoles. “Also, here…” Kuroo leans into Oikawa and holds Oikawa’s phone out and away from them.

Oikawa has just about enough time to flash a smile before Kuroo snaps the selfie of them.

“Thanks for the photos.” Kuroo sends himself the photo before handing Oikawa’s phone back over to him.

“Of course, Tetsu-chan,” Oikawa says, eyes drawn to the photo of them together. 

Kuroo’s aim is terrible. The picture is lopsided. Kuroo is barely in the frame, smushed up against Oikawa on one side while Oikawa’s other side is empty and bare.

“Let’s go find Tsukki and go for dinner.” Kuroo says, stretching as he stands. “Oh and for the party…”

Oikawa looks up from the picture on his phone.

“...you should invite Iwaizumi.”

Oikawa looks down at the picture again, at the empty space beside him. Except for the day at the train station, he hasn’t really seen Iwaizumi in months. Oikawa’s heart burns with want and he recalls the feeling of Iwaizumi’s arms around him.

The feeling of invincibility flares within him. 

“Ok,” Oikawa says. And then before his courage fades, he taps on the picture and sends it to Iwaizumi along with a message.

' **?party this weekend with Kuroo and me** '

The blue check marks light up almost instantly. His heart suddenly thumping, Oikawa taps out a second message before his blaze of impulsiveness dies down.

' **.I miss you** '

There is a maddeningly long moment as the three dots pulse while Iwaizumi replies.

‘ **When and where?** ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: What's one more misunderstanding amirite??  
> 


	5. No matter what I do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something changes in Oikawa’s eyes, and before Iwaizumi can understand what it is, Oikawa is stepping back, smile perfectly in place.
> 
> “Didn’t you want to tell me something, Iwa-chan? Back at the train station?”
> 
> Iwaizumi’s brain feels half drowned, sluggish and laboured as it slogs through the mud of confusion.
> 
> What had he wanted to tell Oikawa at the train station?
> 
> Oh.
> 
> Right…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're past the half way mark! This is the longest chapter. Thank you for all your support and comments so far! 💖

The music is too loud, the lights too dim, and his throat burns as Iwaizumi swallows the last of the concoction in his cup.

Why is he even here?

Since picking him up from the train station last weekend, he has barely spoken to Oikawa and the last he saw of his best friend was his back disappearing into the Oikawa family home followed closely by Kuroo’s.

It’s ironic how a few short hours before that, Iwaizumi couldn’t wait to see Oikawa. Now, he’s not quite sure if a week of separation was enough.

Maybe it’s because he never properly heard Oikawa say it to him, didn’t have his heart properly broken, hasn’t had his hopes properly dashed with irrefutable words of rejection. But Iwaizumi can’t stop thinking about that day.

The whole week, his thoughts have ricocheted between regret at not telling Oikawa that he wanted a romantic relationship with him, to laughing at himself for ever harbouring hope that Oikawa could be his soulmate.

Because it’s so clear now with hindsight that Oikawa could never have been his soulmate, never end up like the person in Iwaizumi’s soulmate dreams: miserable, resigned, and above all, alone.

It had taken him a while to understand his soulmate dreams when he first started having them when he was fifteen. 

In his first ever dream...

_ He’s wandering through a vast room. Glittering awards and shiny placards adorn the walls and cabinets. _

_ It leaves Iwaizumi with the impression of exploring a museum or art gallery, except that he’s the only visitor. _

_ He’s exhausted from walking, from passing through hallways with only his footsteps as company. _

_ And no matter how far or how long he walks, he never meets another soul. _

There are other dreams.

_ In one of them, Iwaizumi is in a beautiful home filled with the most beautiful things. Everywhere he looks, he sees comfort and luxury. _

_ Golden light filters in. He can hear the steady crash of waves and smell the salt in the air. _

_ But again, the house is always empty, devoid of life and laughter. _

His dreams came slowly. Sometimes, the same one comes to him for days in a row. Others lingered, interspersed over weeks and sometimes months, before turning into the next one.

Iwaizumi remembers them all. All were blurry, amorphous, and carried an abstract porous quality. From vague details — a glimpse of a date here, a background announcement of an event there — he finally pieced together that his soulmate dreams were of the future.

Iwaizumi could never see his soulmate’s face, but he sensed rather than saw his own self in the periphery of those dreams. A face just out of sight, an echo in the wind, Iwaizumi was there, but never really there. And his soulmate was alone.

This could never be Oikawa’s future.

Iwaizumi would never have let this happen to Oikawa.

“Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi wobbles to a stop. He peers up at the figure struggling through the crowd towards him, a plastic party cup in each hand.

Oikawa’s face comes into view, beaming at him with flushed cheeks.

“Iwa-chan, isn’t this a great party!?”

One of the cups is pushed into his hand. Oikawa knocks it with the other before tipping its contents down his throat.

Iwaizumi watches the convulsions along that long milky column in fascination until Oikawa’s face tips back down, smiling at him.

“Kuroo’s friends sure know how to pick their booze!” Oikawa smacks his lips in appreciation.

Right. Kuroo. They were at a party with Kuroo. Hosted by one of Kuroo’s friends. Because,  _ of course _ , Kuroo would know people even in Sendai.

Iwaizumi chugs his drink in one go, the too-sweet mixture not enough to overpower the sour taste in his mouth.

“Wow, Iwa-chan. Go hard or go home, huh?” Oikawa is staring at him, sounding impressed. Oikawa’s big doe eyes blink at Iwaizumi, pupils blown wide in the dim light. His cheeks are rosy and his smile is genuine, alcohol stripping it of its usual guarded, over-expressive edge.

He’s drunk. They’re both drunk, and Iwaizumi thinks that Oikawa looks adorable.

Oikawa sways on his feet, coming dangerously close to falling on Iwaizumi.

Either emboldened by drink or in a rush of insanity, Iwaizumi grabs Oikawa’s arm and pulls him close, growling in his ear, “Come dance with me, Oikawa.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t wait for an answer, turning away and cutting his way through the crowd in search of the dance floor.

He must be mad. Iwaizumi doesn’t even like dancing,  _ especially _ not in public. But Oikawa’s hand is pliant in his, and his eager laugh as he trails, compliant, behind Iwaizumi, keeps him going.

They find a gap in the mass of moving bodies to squeeze into. Oikawa giggles, throwing his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck, and any doubts Iwaizumi had about making a fool of himself are erased as Oikawa begins to dance in his arms.

The songs change, from deep bass and party rock to remixed jazz and bubblegum pop, and with each new rhythm and pulse-setting beat, Iwaizumi lets himself pretend.

He pretends that he’s never met Kuroo; that soulmates don’t exist; that soulmate dreams are just dreams — images and emotions made up by an unconscious mind trying to make sense of the world — utterly meaningless in the end.

He pretends that Oikawa and he are just two best friends, two people with all the possibilities in front of them, and that all is fair in love and life.

Oikawa’s hips bump into his. The gyrating bodies around them bring them closer together. Oikawa never stops moving. His body pushes against Iwaizumi’s and his long arms entwine themselves around Iwaizumi’s shoulders, pulling them flush against each other. The contact sends Iwaizumi’s pulse racing and his hands find purchase around Oikawa’s hips.

Oikawa’s skin shines with sweat, his eyes are closed as they sway to the beat, and his expression is one of pure joy and ecstasy, lost in the music and motion. Oikawa is so beautiful Iwaizumi forgets to breathe.

With how close they’re standing to each other, Iwaizumi can smell the alcohol in Oikawa’s breath as it flutters in hot puffs across Iwaizumi’s face. Oikawa’s lips are wet and kiss-bitten red. Iwaizumi wants to taste them.

He’s drunk on love and longing, the music urges him on, and Oikawa is  _ here _ — clinging onto Iwaizumi like he never wants to let go.

So Iwaizumi leans in, reaching for something he’s been denied for so long. But just as he’s about to meet Oikawa’s lips with his own, Oikawa stops, and his eyes fly open.

“I–Iwa-chan…”

They stare at each other, faces separated by inches of air and an impossible future.

Something changes in Oikawa’s eyes, and before Iwaizumi can understand what it is, Oikawa is stepping back, smile perfectly in place.

“Didn’t you want to tell me something, Iwa-chan? Back at the train station?”

Iwaizumi’s brain feels half drowned, sluggish and laboured as it slogs through the mud of confusion.

What had he wanted to tell Oikawa at the train station?

Oh.

Right…

The unpleasant reality Iwaizumi lives in douses him like a bucket of cold water.

He looks at Oikawa, whose smile is frozen in place, eyes rimmed with dread and apprehension.

_ Wake up, Hajime! Oikawa’s not yours and never will be. _

Iwaizumi steps back, angry with himself for forgetting. He can blame the almost kiss on the alcohol. But if he tells Oikawa his feelings, there will be no going back from that. Oikawa doesn’t deserve that. Oikawa deserves to be happy, to be complete and whole with his soulmate, unburdened by the guilt and knowledge of Iwaizumi’s unrequited feelings.

So Iwaizumi turns away and pushes through the crowd, nothing but Oikawa’s silence ringing in his ears.

Rage and frustration carry his feet through the confusing maze of rooms and away from the crowds.

Iwaizumi curses fate, the gods, all the deities he knows, and whatever creator that decided to bind lives together with the mating of souls. How cruel is his lot in life that he falls for someone that he can never have. The worst part is, there’s nothing he can do and nothing he can say to change it.

It is a defeat so complete that even in his current distraught state, his rational brain knows that the best course of action through this is acceptance. Even though he  _ knows _ this, why does his heart want to grieve?

Iwaizumi slams a fist against a wall as the pressure builds behind his eyes. He hears a few shocked gasps before the smattering of people around him scatter.

Iwaizumi bows his head, his sight half blind with tears and useless. He leans on the wall for support, stumbling in search of a quieter, more private place where his head and heart can war in peace.

Unexpectedly, his hands find a doorknob and he fumbles with it. Finally, the doorknob turns and the door gives way, swinging inward.

Iwaizumi almost falls into a bathroom, which would have been perfect in his search for privacy except that it is already occupied, by a couple no less.

There are sharp intakes of breaths and the unmistakable smack of lips parting from a kiss as two figures lurch apart at his surprise entrance.

“Oh sssorrry…” Iwaizumi slurs, blinking to try and clear his blurred vision and appear less inebriated than he was. He tries not to look at the couple directly, conscious of the endangered dignity between them. Thankfully, the couple seem more or less clothed and Iwaizumi hopes he can get away as nothing more than a brief interruption in their make out session. “Sssorry, I didn’t mean to intrude....”

He is trying to bow his way out in apology under the scorching glare of the tall blonde guy who looks vaguely familiar when his partner shifts from behind him and into view. Iwaizumi freezes. He would recognize that rats nest excuse for hair anywhere.

“Oh, Iwaizumi? Looks like you got lost.” Kuroo’s mouth stretches into a lazy smirk, one hand coming up to wipe the spit from his mouth.

Iwaizumi looks up at Kuroo. Iwaizumi notices how Kuroo’s long fingers are gripping the blonde’s waist and how the blonde’s arms are wrapped around Kuroo’s shoulders, one hand tangled in Kuroo’s hair. He notes the way they are standing — Kuroo, half leaning and relaxed against the counter; the blonde, standing between Kuroo’s legs…

Iwaizumi sees red.

“Hey Iwaizumi, what are you—”

“You piece of shit!!”

Iwaizumi swings. His fist connects with Kuroo’s jaw, the taller man’s face a picture of surprise. 

Kuroo staggers, bent double with his hand covering his mouth. “What the hell?! What do you think you’re doing!?”

Iwaizumi doesn’t think. Can’t think.

Rage consumes him. Fury fuels his fists. He swings again, desperate to land blows on Kuroo.

Kuroo who is Oikawa’s soulmate. Kuroo who can give Oikawa happiness like no one else can. Kuroo who is cheating on Oikawa at the first chance he gets. Kuroo who is scum of the earth and Iwaizumi wants to pummel him into the dirt.

Iwaizumi’s fists find only air more often than not. Kuroo is yelling but Iwaizumi can’t make out what he’s saying above the pounding of blood in his ears. There are hands on his back and arms around his shoulders. Someone pushes his face away, trying to separate him from Kuroo. Iwaizumi will not be deterred. He lunges for Kuroo and tackles him to the ground. Kuroo kicks out in self defense. 

It’s a scuffle of flailing limbs and anguished shouts. Iwaizumi finds himself yelling too. Kuroo’s smug expression is wiped off his face, replaced by one of panic and bewilderment. 

The puzzlement only enrages Iwaizumi further. How can Kuroo pretend to be so clueless?? Did he expect Iwaizumi to let him off easy when he found out?

There is more yelling, different voices pitching in. More arms appear, pulling Iwaizumi and Kuroo apart.

Iwaizumi fights to keep fighting, heedless of who or what is hindering him.

_ “IWA-CHAN! WHAT THE FUCK!” _

Oikawa is screaming in his face and everything grinds to a halt. Iwaizumi stares at Oikawa whose hands are pressed against his chest, holding him back. Oikawa’s face is flushed, teeth exposed in anger. He is breathing heavily.

When did he get here?

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa seethes, “What. Are. You. Doing.”

Oikawa punctuates each word with a shove. They hurt more than any blow Kuroo landed. The anger drains out of Iwaizumi, leaving him chilled to the bone.

Because Oikawa is  _ furious _ . Iwaizumi has rarely seen Oikawa this angry, and never before at him. Iwaizumi can only stare numbly at Oikawa as he tries to find the words to explain himself.

Movement beyond Oikawa catches Iwaizumi’s eye. Kuroo is being helped up by the blonde, whose expression is one of concern. Kuroo leans on him, smiling at him with tender gratefulness, as if he were a wounded hero who has just survived his brawl with the unscrupulous villain.

The sight infuriates Iwaizumi, galvanizes him to grab Oikawa by the shoulders and spin him around.

“Oikawa, look. Kuroo is cheating on you.” Iwaizumi glares at Kuroo, who has the gall to look astonished, like he has no idea what Iwaizumi is talking about. “You were kissing him!” Iwaizumi shouts, jabbing an accusing finger at the blonde, who looks down his nose at him balefully. “Don’t deny it,” Iwaizumi grits out.

Kuroo stares at him and Iwaizumi can’t tell what he’s thinking. Just when he’s about to argue his case again, Kuroo shrugs and leans into the blonde even more. “Alright, I won’t. You caught us kissing.”

Unbelievably, Kuroo has the gall to smirk, batting his eyelashes up at the blonde as if he were bashful.

Iwaizumi wrenches past Oikawa. Kuroo is too much. His shamelessness was too much.

“Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi stops dead in his tracks. Oikawa’s voice is strange. There’s something off about it. He’s angry and hurt, but Iwaizumi can tell. It’s not directed at Kuroo.

He turns — half fearful, half already knowing — to Oikawa, who is looking at him with an expression that Iwaizumi knows all too well. 

It’s the one where Oikawa is analyzing the situation in front of him; where he’s pulling apart the tapestry — thread by thread — until every strength and weakness, every risk and gain to be had is laid bare. It’s something Oikawa does when he’s up against a particularly strong opponent or tackling a particularly difficult problem, when he’s unsure of how to proceed. When he doesn’t know what the best thing to do is; when he doesn’t understand.

It rocks Iwaizumi to the core. Because Oikawa’s never looked at Iwaizumi that way. They’ve always been in sync, for as long as Iwaizumi can remember. A look, a gesture, a single syllable, and Iwaizumi instinctively knows what Oikawa thinks, wants, feels. It’s been the same for Oikawa.

So when Oikawa looks at Iwaizumi like  _ that _ , like Iwaizumi is someone he doesn’t understand, someone he doesn’t know… Iwaizumi feels his whole world buckle.

“Oikawa.” It comes out as nothing more than a hoarse whisper. Iwaizumi swallows and tries again. “Oikawa… Look, I know I shouldn’t have fought, but Oikawa…” Iwaizumi pleads, desperate for Oikawa to see. Why doesn’t Oikawa see?? “Kuroo, he—”

“I don’t want to hear about Kuroo.” Oikawa’s voice is cold and sharp. It cuts Iwaizumi like ice. “You’ve been acting weird today. And ever since I came back from Tokyo...” Oikawa falters. His gaze flickers for a moment, the briefest hint of hurt flashing by. Iwaizumi’s heart drops like a stone.

He reaches out, guilt gripping at his heart for ignoring Oikawa for a week, for causing him pain.

But before he can say anything, Oikawa’s composure returns. “Are you mad at me, Iwa-chan?”

“What? No…!” Where is this coming from? Why does Oikawa keep looking at him like that? 

_ Please stop looking at me like that. _

“Then why? Why did you do this?” Oikawa looks hurt and tired and defeated. As if Iwaizumi had been fighting him, not Kuroo.

“What— No...I’m sorry… Oikawa, I...” Iwaizumi is at a loss for words. 

_ How do I fix this? _

“Iwa-chan,” Iwaizumi’s thoughts grind to a halt, “if you’ve got something to say to me, just say it.” Oikawa spits out the words as if they physically pain him. His face scrunches up with resolve. “Don’t take it out on Kuroo.”

Iwaizumi feels like he’s been punched in the gut. Oikawa is looking at him like he’s the enemy, talking as if Iwaizumi would hurt him, acting like he already has.

“Take it out… Fine.” Iwaizumi snaps. Oikawa may be treating him like he’s the predator, but Iwaizumi is the one who is cornered. He’s tried protecting Oikawa, tried hiding his own selfish desires for the sake of Oikawa’s happiness. But if he’s failed at even that, maybe it’s time to tear away the facade. “Fine. You want to know what I have to say to you?”

Iwaizumi takes a deep breath and lets his heart pour out.

“I love you.”

It’s not what he had planned to say. Oikawa looks as shocked as he feels, but he can’t stop now. So he continues, “I’ve loved you for some time now, since...I don’t know when.” Iwaizumi pushes his hair back and pushes on. “I just know that since we graduated, since we’ve been apart… I can’t stop thinking of you. Everyday, I thought about you. I thought about what you meant to me. I thought about us.” Iwaizumi shakes his head, remembering those half dreams and made up wishes. “And one day, one day, I knew. I knew that I’ve always loved you. I’ll always love you. I can’t imagine not loving you.” It sounds crazy, but Oikawa will understand, right? Oikawa has always understood Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi just has to tell him. “And I wanted… I want you to know. I love you, Oikawa.”

There. He’s said it. He’s poured his heart out, laid it bare for all to see. Iwaizumi is vaguely aware of the hushed crowd around them, of the stunned gazes on them and the shocked silence about them.

But none of them matter. None of it matters. Nothing matters.

Nothing except Oikawa.

Oikawa who is looking at Iwaizumi with wide shocked eyes. Oikawa who looks as if he’s just been shot, as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“But...your soulmate?” Oikawa’s lips tremble and his eyes glaze over. He drops his gaze, unable to even look at Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi feels his heart shatter.

“What about them?” Iwaizumi brushes the tears away angrily. “I don’t know. I don’t know who they are. And I don’t care. It hasn’t stopped me loving you. It won’t.”

“But Iwa-chan… What if you meet your soulmate one day?” Oikawa’s voice is so small that Iwaizumi can barely hear him.

“Who cares?! Why does it matter?” His heart is being ground to dust, but Iwaizumi keeps going. He has to keep going. “Who says they have to be the one I love?” Oikawa has to understand. “Why...why can’t it be you? Why can’t it be you…”

The last comes out a whispered prayer as Iwaizumi’s voice breaks. Almost by instinct, he reaches out to Oikawa, grasps his limp hand in his.

Iwaizumi can’t hold back the sobs that threaten to burst through his chest. 

It’s too much. He’s asking too much. In his head, Iwaizumi knows that Oikawa already has Kuroo. And yet...

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. It’s not me. I’m not your soulmate.”

Iwaizumi can only stare at Oikawa. He wants to believe that he heard wrong, that what Oikawa said is not what he means. But Oikawa is looking away, staring off to the side, refusing to even look at Iwaizumi.

And Iwaizumi cannot claim surprise, cannot say that this was unexpected or that he hadn’t prepared for this moment.

Yet the rejection still hits like a sledgehammer, like a meteorite crashing into earth, leaving only devastation in its wake.

A commotion starts behind him, a babble of voices breaking out.

Dimly, through the heavy fog that seems to engulf him, Iwaizumi recognizes Kuroo’s voice behind him. He sounds angry, his voice sharp with disapproval.

Iwaizumi can’t make out what Kuroo is saying, but he guesses that Kuroo is probably calling curses on him. Not that he can blame him. Not that he cares. Any animosity he might have felt towards Kuroo is gone. He feels neither anger nor hate for the guy.

In fact, he doesn’t feel much of anything.

“I think… You should go, Iwaizumi.” Oikawa’s voice reaches him, clear as a bell.

Oikawa steps forward and then around him, avoiding meeting his eyes.

There’s a long pause when they are side-by-side, where time stands still. And then, without so much as a backward glance, Oikawa walks away from Iwaizumi.

He hears Kuroo call out to Oikawa, who shushes him and begins peppering him with questions about where he’s hurt, how he’s feeling, let him have a look at his bloodied split lip…

If Iwaizumi thought that there was nothing in him left to break, nothing left to shatter, nothing left to lose, he was wrong.

It feels as if life itself drains out of him, that light is being extinguished in him, that hope itself is leaving him. They say it’s the hope that kills you. Iwaizumi wishes he had never let himself hope.

Without another word, Iwaizumi leaves, uncaring of anything or anyone. The crowd parts before him, but Iwaizumi barely notices. When he reaches the front door, Iwaizumi steps into the darkness of the night, alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs and hides*
> 
> _Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not endorse physical violence of any sort._


	6. No matter what I say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The monster deep within him stirs and bares his fangs.
> 
> _What a great performance,_ it crows.
> 
> _I didn’t have a choice,_ Oikawa wants to scream back.
> 
> _Of course not. Why should Iwa-chan be stuck with someone like you?_
> 
> _He’s not going to be. Thanks to...just now...he’s free._
> 
> _Mmm. Free to find his soulmate._
> 
> The monster encircles his heart, squeezing with it’s sharpened claws.
> 
> _Free from you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far, thank you for staying with me and I hope you've enjoyed the ride so far :D
> 
> We're in the home stretch.
> 
> There's some sweetness at the end of this chapter that I hope you enjoy!

“Tetsu-chan, is your mouth still bleeding?”

“Oikawa...”

“What about the side of your face? It looks a little swollen.”

“... Oikawa.”

“Oh how about your hands? Coach will be mad if you come back injured from vacation—”

“ _ Oikawa. _ ”

Kuroo’s strong hands grasp Oikawa’s, calloused fingers gripping his own to stop them continuously dabbing at Kuroo’s mouth. Oikawa blinks up at Kuroo and tries to pull himself together. He’s met with Kuroo looking at him as if he’s about to burst into a lecture, his face showing a mixture of concern, exasperation, vexation, and, worse of all, pity. Oikawa quickly averts his gaze.

Kuroo sighs.

“I can do that, Oikawa-san.” Tsukishima plucks the cotton ball from Oikawa’s fingers and silently moves in front of Kuroo with a nod.

Oikawa retreats away from them, turning to fumble with the pile of ointments and bandages heaped on the bedside table.

They've moved to a bedroom for more privacy while Kuroo gets patched up. The deep bass of electronic dance music reverberates through the walls, louder than Oikawa remembers from before their very public spectacle. The party has already moved on and Oikawa tries with all his might to follow suit.

But Kuroo doesn't let him. “Oikawa—”

“I should get more ice, Tetsu-chan!”

Oikawa grabs the large bowl that’s only half depleted and scurries towards the door.

“Oikawa,  _ stop. _ ”

Oikawa stops moving, but he keeps his back to Kuroo.

“Oikawa, what are you doing?”

“I’m just trying to help you, Tetsu-chan! You’re my precious guest after all!”

Oikawa squeezes the bowl to stop his hands from shaking. They haven’t stopped shaking.

Tsukishima lets out what sounds suspiciously like a  _ tch _ , but Kuroo speaks before Oikawa can work up the energy to be outraged.

“Look, I appreciate the help, but shouldn’t you be going after Iwaizumi?”

The directness of Kuroo’s question shocks Oikawa into stillness. The monster deep within him stirs and bares his fangs.

_ What a great performance _ , it crows.

_ I didn’t have a choice _ , Oikawa wants to scream back.

_ Of course not. Why should Iwa-chan be stuck with someone like you? _

_ He’s not going to be. Thanks to...just now...he’s free. _

_ Mmm. Free to find his soulmate. _

The monster encircles his heart, squeezing with it’s sharpened claws.

_ Free from you. _

Oikawa’s heartbeat stutters. He feels like he can’t breathe and he struggles to pay attention to what Kuroo is saying.

“...I know it’s not really any of my business, but isn’t Iwaizumi your—”

“ _ He’s not my soulmate. _ ” The words come out in a scream, harsher than Oikawa intends. They cause his heart to ache and the monster unsheathes its claws.

“ _ —best friend _ .”

Oikawa’s stomach lurches and the blessed numbness he’s been trying to hold on to slips away.

The monster opens its jaws and bites down. It gnaws at Oikawa’s insides as it has done for years, leaving blisters and burns which fester and spread.

Despair seeps through him like poison, and Oikawa barely manages to set the bowl down before he collapses into the desk chair by the door.

“Oy, Oikawa?! Are you okay?!?!”

Oikawa bobs his head in a nod as he sits, doubled over and cradling his head in his hands. He removes a hand to flash an ‘OK’ and ‘peace’ sign, though the gesture comes out muddled between the two.

Thankfully, Kuroo and Tsukki get the message, and after a word from Tsukishima, Kuroo stays seated on the bed, albeit with some grumbling.

Oikawa is thankful for the space.

He just needs a minute to collect himself.

This is nothing new.

This is fine.

He’s gotten through this before.

He’ll get through this too.

Even if he is alone.

There’s a stab of pain in his chest and Oikawa curls further into himself.

Has it always hurt this much? Why does he feel so weak?

He’s used to fighting the monster by now; immune to its poison and wise to the ways it rends and twists. There should be enough scars to numb the pain.

Yet the monster seems to possess fresh teeth and claws. And when did his heart become so tender? Why does it feel like his heart is being torn in two?

“Hey Oikawa…” Kuroo calls again, a note of urgency in his voice. “You should go talk to Iwaizumi. I think there’s been some misunderstanding and the two of you should talk—”

“What more is there to say?” Oikawa’s heart throbs. Each beat is agony and his ears feel like they are stuffed with cotton wool. He really just wants to lie down and never wake up again.

“Things got a little heated back there, but I think Iwaizumi would appreciate it if you—”

“I’m the last thing Iwa-chan needs.” The monster is right. Iwaizumi is better off without him, without Oikawa to drag him down and hold him back from the happiness he deserves. Oikawa’s always been selfish, always been demanding, always taken advantage of Iwa-chan’s soft spot for him.

He’s tried to ignore the truth for so long, tried to paper over the cracks and pretend that they didn’t exist. As if they would always be children, always be inseparable, always be just the two of them against the whole world. He’s always known that it could never last, that it would all blow up in his face and go up in flames one day. The monster has been telling him this for a long time. Oikawa’s just always been too scared to face it.

Well today, the monster has won and Oikawa doesn’t know what to do with the husk of a house he’s left with. At least Iwa-chan is not around to witness the wreckage.

“How can you say that? The two of you are—”

“Best friends. Childhood friends. Friends growing up.” Oikawa whirls around and faces Kuroo. “I know.  _ I know. _ Do you think I don’t know?” Oikawa’s so tired. He’s tried so hard to stay positive, to not lose hope, to cling to what little happiness he could. To keep Iwa-chan close. But that had all ended in a flaming dumpster fire of a disaster. Oikawa would be lucky if Iwa-chan ever spoke to him again. 

“But—” Kuroo protests.

“Weren’t you listening?” Oikawa cuts him off. “Didn’t you hear him? He wants to date me.” Oikawa jabs his thumb into his chest. “He wants to be with me.” Oikawa still can’t quite believe that Iwa-chan said that. How can Iwa-chan say that? Why would Iwa-chan say that? “He loves me,” the answer comes, a whisper from his own lips. 

And Oikawa knows it in his heart to be true.

Like the trickle of clear spring water over parched dry land, Iwa-chan’s love for him seeps through the cracks, filling his aching spaces and soothing his scorched wounds.

The truth is clear and pure and true: Iwa-chan loves him. Iwa-chan has always loved him.

And he loves Iwaizumi. He’s been too afraid to admit it to himself. But the floodgates are open, and Oikawa can’t deny that despite all the romantic partners he has had, besides the friends and the rivals, it’s Iwaizumi that he’s always turned to, Iwaizumi he’s shared all his best times in life with, Iwaizumi who he wants to keep close.

It’s a revelation that is too soon and long overdue. Oikawa wants to both laugh and cry.

Because knowing what he could have had just makes losing it all the more painful. Because what’s best for Oikawa isn’t best for Iwaizumi. Just because Iwaizumi makes him happy doesn’t mean that he can make Iwaizumi happy. Not in the same way a soulmate can.

“But I can’t… I can’t… Iwa-chan deserves to be happy. He deserves to be with his soulmate.” Water meets fire and turns into scalding steam. Something twists in Oikawa, and he wonders if this is what it feels like to die of a broken heart.

Tsukishima interjects, bored monotone cutting through the tumult in Oikawa, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

“Tsukki!” Kuroo sounds aghast.

Oikawa only laughs. “Is it that obvious?” He supposes there’s no use denying it. Iwaizumi’s face, the way he looked at Oikawa when Oikawa told him the truth, how it seemed like a part of Iwaizumi died hearing Oikawa tell him that he wasn’t his soulmate… 

Oikawa feels as if a part of him died as well.

“Well, the two of you have always been close. And there always seems to be this perfect understanding between you. It was clear when we played against you. I always assumed that you two were soulmates.”

“Well we’re not,” Oikawa spits out the bitter truth. He takes a deep shuddering breath, trying to stay calm. He forces himself to think of Iwaizumi, to look past the pain of today and into Iwaizumi’s bright future. Iwa-chan is strong. Iwa-chan would recover. Iwa-chan will move on. It hurt now, but this was for the best. For Iwa-chan’s sake.

“What makes you so sure?” Tsukishima’s arrogant voice rankles Oikawa.

“Tsukki…” Kuroo’s tone carries cautious warning.

Tsukishima shoots Kuroo a look of defiance. “Iwaizumi-san didn’t seem sure. What makes Oikawa-san think—”

“It’s because my soulmate dreams are only about myself,” Oikawa states. “I only dream about things I’ve seen and things that I’ve done, or things that I want.”

Oikawa’s soulmate dreams flash like a highlight reel in his head:

_ Pure innocence when playing in the park and catching bugs with his new friend Hajime;  _

_ How hard Oikawa had laughed when Iwa-chan first tried to set a ball and it landed in his face; _

_ Relief and new found inspiration after he almost slapped Kageyama; _

_ Fierce pride when he won the best setter award in middle school. _

It’s always been about him. Him; his wants, his pride, his happiness. Even now, despite how terrible he’s feeling, remembering his soulmate dreams provides a modicum of comfort, like a cooling balm on a bad burn, the emotions from his soulmate dreams soak him in adoration and assurance, assuaging his aching heart. He’s incorrigible.

Oikawa snorts. “Just this past week I’ve been dreaming about how we met Iwa-chan at the train station.”

“You dreamt about Iwaizumi?”

Oikawa nods, closing his eyes. “Yeah, how selfish is that? I can still recall it so clearly… I didn’t even notice it when it was happening, but I see him as soon as I get off the train. He was trying to tell me something then, something important.”

It’s blindingly obvious now what Iwa-chan had wanted to tell him. But knowing that Iwa-chan loves him back only makes the chasm between them worse. He would have been happy never knowing about Iwa-chan’s feelings for him. Oikawa can’t believe that he ever wanted to know. 

“And I’ve been dying to know what he was going to say, what he had to tell me. I’m such an idiot. Why would I ever want to know? Why would I ever want this?” Oikawa buries his face in his hands.

“What about your other dreams?” Kuroo asks. “Is Iwaizumi in them too?”

“All of them?” Tsukishima prods.

“Yes, I suppose he is,” Oikawa scrubs at his face before lifting it, “but that’s to be expected. We grew up together. We were practically inseparable. Why? What’s the matter?”

Kuroo and Tsukishima have their heads mashed together, deep in conversation and exchanging meaningful looks and pointed gestures. Oikawa can’t help but feel that they are talking about him.

“Do you think…?”

“...recent situations…”

“And how he  _ feels _ ?”

“...it’s what he wants him to feel.”

“Or know...”

“Yes. What he wants him to know.”

“What nonsense are you two muttering about?” Oikawa bursts out.

With a nod at Tsukishima, Kuroo finally addresses him. “Your soulmate dreams… Are they really your feelings? How do they make you  _ feel _ ?”

What was Kuroo getting at? “How do I feel? I feel fine. I feel happy. I feel like the best. Like I’m on top of the world, like I’m having the time of my life, like I’m the most important person. They make me feel...”  _ Loved. _

Oikawa can’t bring himself to say it. Because it’s too close to what he’s just heard Iwa-chan say, too close to what Iwa-chan means with those words, too close to all that Oikawa knows Iwa-chan would wish for him. It’s just like—

“...like how Iwaizumi would want you to feel.”

Oikawa can only stare wordlessly at Kuroo. Because Kuroo’s words are not untrue. And it makes his heart stutter to life and begin to pound.

The monster inside him writhes and screams, protesting denial and disbelief. But for the first time, it sounds less like sinister truths, and more like garbled incoherent shrieking. For the first time, Oikawa doesn’t listen. He can see above the racket, see the pieces falling into place, see the picture beginning to form, see how beautiful and surreal it is.

Understanding comes like rain quenching the fire, and Oikawa realizes he’s been blind his whole life. Because now that he’s seen the truth, it seems so obvious that he can’t believe that he never noticed, could never see past the worry and the fear and the despair. But now he can look up, now he can see the colour of the sky, now he can see how Iwaizumi loves him, how he’s always loved him, how he’s never been alone.

“I need to go.” Oikawa says abruptly, springing to his feet. He’s out the door and down the hallway before Kuroo can finish hollering at him, the wind behind him and a new kind of fire burning in him — one that he needs to share with the one other person it belongs to.

Back in the bedroom, Tsukishima shuts and locks the door.

“Who knew that the great Oikawa Tooru could be so dense,” Tsukishima says, shaking his head.

“You’re so harsh, Tsukki,” Kuroo chides, grabbing the ice pack and lying back on the bed. “After all, we’re all just fools in love.” 

Tsukishima crinkles his nose, to which Kuroo grins, wincing when his injured lip splits and bleeds.

“Are you okay?” Tsukishima closes the gap between them, pressing a fresh tissue paper to Kuroo’s mouth.

His boyfriend’s lips curve into a smile. “Ahh, you’re so attentive, Tsukki. I thought you didn’t care when you left me to fend for myself against Iwaizumi.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “You were doing fine against him. He was too angry to really hit anything.”

“Yeah, but have you seen his arms?! They pack a punch!”

“Precisely why it was better to not get in between you two.”

“But my face, Tsukki. Look what happened to my beautiful face.”

“To be fair, you do have a punchable face.”

“You wound me, Tsukki.” Kuroo catches Tsukishima by the waist and drags him down onto the bed.

“Let go of me, Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima says only half-heartedly as he struggles to peel Kuroo off him.

“Nuh-uh.” Kuroo shakes his head, face buried in Tsukishima’s chest. The motion causes him to grimace and he pushes himself up, pinning Tsukishima underneath him. “Damn. Iwaizumi has a mean right hook.”

Kuroo prods at the side of his face, fingers feeling for the sorest spots. Tsukishima’s hand comes up to cover his.

“Anything I can do to help?”

“Hmm, kiss it better?” Kuroo asks, half-jokingly.

To his surprise, Tsukishima acquiesces and before he knows it, Tsukishima’s hand has fisted the front of his shirt and Kuroo is being pulled down into a slow, tender kiss.

“How’s that?”

“Mmm,” Kuroo opens his eyes, blinking down at Tsukishima who is looking up at him with a half smile, cheeks tinted pink, and golden gaze fully focused on him. “I think you should do it again.”

Tsukishima’s lips tug farther upwards and Kuroo can’t help mirroring him as he dips back down to find his soulmate’s mouth.

The evening hasn’t gone quite as he had planned, but all’s well that ends well, and it seems like Oikawa and Iwaizumi will be alright from now on. At least he hopes so.

“Kuroo-san, you better not still be thinking of Oikawa-san.” Tsukishima glares up at him, slightly out of breath and pupils blown wide.

Kuroo’s heart rate picks up. “Of course not, my liege,” he removes Tsukishima’s glasses, “Now where were we before Iwaizumi so rudely interrupted…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Go and get your man Oikawa!


	7. My heart will lead me to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past hour didn’t seem real. Yet Oikawa’s words reverberate like an echo, refusing to leave him like the buzz of an annoying gnat.
> 
> _I’m not your soulmate._
> 
> The words pierce. They burn and burrow into his skin, leaving him hollow, empty, devoid of warmth in his bones.
> 
> He thought he had been prepared for rejection, that nothing could be worse than not knowing.
> 
> How very wrong he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost at the end! Thank you for reading and giving my fic a chance! I hope you're all having a lovely Christmas time.

Iwaizumi sits shrouded in the dark. His hands and face hurt, but the sting from his knuckles and the throbbing above his eye are nothing compared to the gaping hole where his heart should be.

Iwaizumi exhales and buries his head in his hands.  The past hour didn’t seem real. Yet Oikawa’s words reverberate like an echo, refusing to leave him like the buzz of an annoying gnat.

_ I’m not your soulmate. _

The words pierce. They burn and burrow into his skin, leaving him hollow, empty, devoid of warmth in his bones.

He thought he had been prepared for rejection, that nothing could be worse than not knowing.

How very wrong he was.

“This sucks!” Iwaizumi shouts into the night. 

_ I am not your soulmate. _

Iwaizumi wants to protest, wants to fight. He comes up with a thousand different reasons for why it can’t be true, why things could still work out, why what Oikawa said can’t be what he means.

Yet as he sits in the deserted park with naught but the chirp of crickets and the rustle of leaves in the wind accompanying him, he can’t deny Oikawa. He’s never been able to.

_ I am not your soulmate...and you are not mine. _

It was the final, crushing blow.

Only after hearing those words from Oikawa did Iwaizumi realize that he had been holding on to hope — a feeble foolish flicker — that he and Oikawa were meant to be.

Yet Oikawa had been so sure, so final. Just like how Oikawa’s pre-match ‘I believe in you’ phrase sent chills up his spine, so did those words, except that those words now crushed his spirit, draining him and leaving him empty.

_ Oikawa is not my soulmate. _

That’s right.

Oikawa already had a soulmate.

Iwaizumi hangs his head in dejection. He had been so selfish. He had forgotten himself and lost his head. Sure, what he had unintentionally stumbled on had been shocking, but no matter how much Kuroo deserved it for cheating on Oikawa, Iwaizumi had tried to hurt him. He had tried to hurt Oikawa’s soulmate.

Shame and self-disgust grip at Iwaizumi’s heart.

Would Oikawa ever forgive him? Has he screwed up so badly that even his friendship with Oikawa is over? Kuroo was Oikawa’s soulmate after all… Iwaizumi gulps, feeling nauseated.

He tries to imagine how he would feel if someone hit his soulmate and then tried to pressure him into a relationship.

Iwaizumi would probably punch the person into next week.

Except that if that person had been Oikawa, Iwaizumi would probably then have gone through hell and high water to bring him back.

Iwaizumi groans. Remorse and regret fill him.

He couldn’t have handled things worse. Oikawa was right. It hurt, but some space was best for them. Oikawa definitely didn’t want to see him anytime soon, and with the tangled mess that was Iwaizumi’s emotions, Iwaizumi wasn’t sure if he should see Oikawa.

It’s a sobering thought. How much space is enough space? How much time is long enough? What if the chasm between them can never be bridged?

The nausea gripping him turns into fear and Iwaizumi feels like throwing up.

For the first time, Iwaizumi considers a future without Oikawa — a future where Oikawa moves into the periphery of Iwaizumi’s life, where they are almost strangers, where Iwaizumi lets go.

Iwaizumi presses the heels of his hands into his eyes.

He can’t imagine a future less bleak and hollow than one without Oikawa.

But Iwaizumi is not Oikawa’s soulmate.

So, bitter as it is to swallow, no matter how cavernous the hole in Iwaizumi’s chest, if Oikawa wished for distance, then Iwaizumi would follow his wishes.

Because the last thing he wants is to hurt Oikawa. So Iwaizumi would hold his tongue, keep his distance, and let Oikawa be.

The acceptance leaves him with a terrible emptiness. Iwaizumi wonders if he will ever get over Oikawa, if he will move on to someone else, if it’s possible to extricate himself from Oikawa Tooru — the one constant in his life for as long as he can remember.

What would life without Oikawa look like?

Cold, empty, and always with something missing.

Iwaizumi shivers. He’s never understood his soulmate dreams as intimately as he does now. The fear, the loneliness, how powerless they must feel.

Iwaizumi wishes he could put an arm around them, reassure them that he’s here, that he’ll be here for them.

But he can’t.  Not when Oikawa Tooru still holds his heart, willingly or not.

With the way that he is, Iwaizumi can’t be there for his soulmate.

Is this the reason why his soulmate feels this way?

Iwaizumi’s heart seizes up.

Does his soulmate know that Iwaizumi only has eyes for Oikawa? Has his soulmate already given up on Iwaizumi? Has Iwaizumi not only destroyed his relationship with his best friend, but also his future with his soulmate?

Iwaizumi closes his eyes and prays that dark oblivion would just swallow him from existence.

He’s the worst best friend and soulmate ever.

And he doesn’t know what to do.

Iwaizumi rests his forehead on his folded hands in defeat and lets the tears flow.

He wishes...he wishes Oikawa were here.

“Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi’s head snaps up. Bursting through the darkness and into the incandescent lamplight, Oikawa Tooru sprints full pelt towards him.

There’s a wild, desperate look in Oikawa’s eyes and Iwaizumi is out of his seat and halfway to Oikawa before he knows it.

“Oikawa! What’s wron—Oof!”

Oikawa crashes into him and Iwaizumi finds himself wrapped in a crushing embrace. He thinks he hears Oikawa sob and Iwaizumi tightens his arms around him. 

“Hey, it’s alright…” Iwaizumi whispers into the nape of Oikawa’s neck, “I’m here.” He doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to help Oikawa, but it’s the least he can do. He’ll always be there for Oikawa.

“Stupid Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sniffs, lifting his head. Iwaizumi was never able to catch up in height to Oikawa, and he finds himself looking up into his best friend’s smiling, snotty face.

His heart still skips a beat.

“You’re crying,” Iwaizumi blurts out, staring up at Oikawa’s very wet eyes.

“So are you,” Oikawa replies and brushes a thumb under Iwaizumi’s eye. It’s the side that’s still tender from his fight with Kuroo and Iwaizumi can’t help wincing as pain lances up from his cheekbone. Oikawa’s expression turns to one of concern and he peers closely at Iwaizumi. “You sure got beat up, Iwa-chan.”

“I’m fine, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi says gruffly, trying to push Oikawa’s stupid face away.

To his surprise, Oikawa doesn’t let him go. He clings to Iwaizumi, bodies pressed together like all the times they’ve slept over in each other’s beds. Iwaizumi has woken up with a dead arm and impossibly soft Oikawa nestled at his side more than once. It stirs up feelings of warmth and fondness — feelings that are completely inappropriate given what just happened in the past couple of hours. 

“What’s with you?” Iwaizumi coughs, trying to extricate himself from the human leech that is Oikawa right now, “What’s wrong?”

Iwaizumi feels Oikawa tense up. “...Nothing,” comes the hesitant reply. “I mean, after you left, I had a talk with Kuroo…”

“Kuroo,” Iwaizumi curses his name under his breath. He can feel the turmoil rising in him again, like a train beginning to gather steam. “What did he do now? Did he hurt you? Even if he’s your soulmate that’s not—”

“Kuroo’s not my soulmate.”

The gears screech to a halt and the wheels fall off. “What?”

“Yeah, he’s soulmate’s with Megane-chan—that blondie he was kissing. Tsukishima...didn’t you recognize him?”

It takes Iwaizumi a second for things to click. “Karasuno’s middle blocker? The one who stopped Ushijima?”

“Yup,” Oikawa says, half nodding half nuzzling into Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi’s arms encircle Oikawa instinctively. “Apparently their high schools were rivals and fought in a garbage dump or something.”

“Fought where???”

“Who knows,” Oikawa says with a shrug. “They only met last year and started dating long distance a few months ago. Iwa-chan, you won’t believe how annoying the past week has been…”

Iwaizumi tries to absorb the cascade of new revelations as calmly as he can. While he can’t deny the way his heart rate picks up when it sinks in that Oikawa and Kuroo are  _ not _ soulmates — that they weren’t even together — something doesn’t add up.

“Oikawa.”

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa stops mid-sentence, tilting his head.

Iwaizumi says slowly, “If Kuroo isn’t your soulmate… Why did you let me think he was?”

They stare at each other before Oikawa drops his gaze. “Ah, Iwa-chan… I’m sorry. I was scared when you told me you loved me. Because I thought it could never last, that one day you’d leave me for your soulmate.”

“What? Why would you think that?” Iwaizumi blurts out. He feels guilty immediately, because he understands, recognizes the same fear that he’s had. He just never expected that same fear to be reflected in capable, confident Oikawa.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa takes a step back, “you know, I’ve had soulmate dreams for a long time now…” It’s the first time Oikawa is speaking about his soulmate dreams, and Iwaizumi drinks in every word. “They’re always about events that have happened to me, from my own perspective, and somehow I thought... I thought—”

“You thought you didn’t have a soulmate.” The pieces fall together, broken glass fitting into a perfect whole.

Iwaizumi can see the cracks, knows where they’re broken and how they hurt. His heart bleeds for the pain Oikawa must have been in, how he must have felt, thinking he was alone and unloved in this world.

Iwaizumi pulls Oikawa close and holds him. “You don’t have to worry anymore, Oikawa. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

Oikawa nods, brushing at his eyes.

They stand there for a while, just holding on to each other, until Oikawa clears his throat. “In any case, Iwaizumi Hajime, do you know what this means?”

Oikawa peels away just enough to level Iwaizumi with a hard stare.

Iwaizumi feels ten years old again; as if they’re in the middle of playing soldiers and Oikawa has declared himself the captain and is giving Iwaizumi orders.

Iwaizumi sighs and admits to his sins. “I owe Kuroo and his soulmate a huge apology.”

Oikawa blinks and tilts his head. “Mmmyeah… you were being kind of a brute, Iwa-chan. But, that’s not what I meant. I mean, you were just mad for me, weren’t you Iwa-chan? Because you care for me?”

Oikawa is looking at him differently now, like he can barely keep eye contact with Iwaizumi; and even though it’s difficult to be sure in the semi-darkness, Iwaizumi could have sworn that Oikawa’s face is dusted pink.

It makes his heart race and he stumbles over his words. “Well, yeah… Of course… You’re my best friend, Oikawa. Even if— even if...I’ll always care for you.”

Iwaizumi feels hot all over. Admitting it like this is different, so different from when he had shouted his love confession to Oikawa in the middle of a crowd of strangers. Without the adrenaline and rage, admitting his feelings like this is scary. This is not something to be callous about. And Iwaizumi has never been good with words. What if he says something wrong again? Something that pushes Oikawa away and widens the gap between them? What if he can’t properly convey what he feels, what he wants Oikawa to really know?

“I know.” Oikawa’s gaze is warm. Iwaizumi feels butterflies flutter in his stomach. “Iwa-chan, you’ve been there for me for forever. Ever since we were kids. All through the years. Especially when I was at my worst, you wanted me to feel better, to  _ be _ better. You never gave up on me.”

Oikawa’s voice catches, goes rough. Iwaizumi feels the lump in his own throat swell, preventing him from speaking.

“And I’m sorry, I never realized…” Oikawa carries on, “You’ve cared about me and thought about me so much for so long. I could feel it. In my soulmate dreams. You’ve always wanted the best for me, haven’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” Iwaizumi can’t help feeling dazed. Wasn’t it obvious? “You’re my best friend.”

Oikawa levels him with a look that is a mixture of pure exasperation and amusement.

Iwaizumi feels like the slowest person in the world but he can’t seem to think straight. It’s been a hell of a day, hell of a week, and — wait. Did Oikawa just say—  _ Did he just imply—?? _

Oikawa leans forward, so close that their noses almost touch. “You’re my soulmate, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa closes the gap between them and seals their lips together.

Oikawa’s words seep into him, and the world erupts into life. Realization and elation explode within him as everything finally clicks into place — what Oikawa said, what Iwaizumi’s soulmate dreams mean, what both their dreams mean.

It sends joy and relief shooting through him. And Iwaizumi is kissing Oikawa back, and Oikawa is laughing, and they’re both crying.

The seconds tick gloriously into minutes.

When they both finally pull apart, Oikawa still looks as giddy as Iwaizumi feels — he doesn’t want to ever stop feeling this way — Iwaizumi says, “I guess we’ve both been idiots, huh?”

Oikawa laughs with him, sending tingles through his spine. “Yeah, but Iwa-chan, you were a bigger idiot than me. I mean, you punched Tetsu-chan. And I’m flattered that you were defending my honour, but really, Iwa-chan, you looked like you were going to murder him! Temper temp—”

“Oikawa.” Iwaizumi clamps a hand over Oikawa’s punch drunk babbling. Oikawa blinks in surprise at Iwaizumi, and it’s so rare that Oikawa is caught off guard that Iwaizumi can’t help but grin. “Shut up and kiss me, Tooru.”

The blush on Oikawa’s face is immediately obvious and Iwaizumi doesn’t wait for an answer before he captures Oikawa’s mouth with his again.

The way Oikawa kisses back is all the answer he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* They did it... the dumb bois in love finally sorted themselves out... I'm so proud of them 
> 
> My work here is done.
> 
> (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)


	8. Love will find a way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since that night, everything and nothing has changed.
> 
> Iwaizumi is still Iwaizumi, and Oikawa is still Oikawa. He still has his wants and ambitions, his fears and insecurities. He still dreams about recent things that have happened to him, still experiences things from his own perspective.
> 
> Yet knowing that this is how Iwaizumi wants him to feel changes everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue of sorts. No angst, just sweetness :)

Oikawa’s phone rings while he is in the bathroom.

Kuroo glances over at the caller ID and grins as he picks up.

“Yo, Iwaizumi… How’s it going?” Bokuto and Akaashi perk their heads up, but Kuroo just waves them on to continue preparing dinner while he takes the call in the living room. “Say, thanks for taking care of Tsukki. He says it’s only a slight ankle sprain but…”

The bathroom door rattles open as Oikawa emerges, raising his eyebrows when he spots Kuroo on his phone.

Kuroo's smile widens to a shit-eating grin.

“Hey, Iwaizumi. About Oikawa. We were talking about his kinks the other day and he’ll never admit it, but he wants you to—”

Oikawa lets out an unholy screech and dives for his phone.

Kuroo doesn’t give it up without a fight and they tumble to the floor, wrestling for the phone.

“Tetsu-chan I’m going to kill you!”

“Get off, Oikawa! Let me finish talking to Iwaizumi!”

“No!! Iwa-chan don’t listen to him!”

“Hey you’ll thank me later! Just let me—aw c’mon, Bo...”

Oikawa squirms away with his prize, panting out a thanks to Bokuto who has Kuroo by the scruff of his neck. Busy in the kitchen, Akaashi just shakes his head, not even bothering to turn around.

Oikawa sticks out his tongue at Kuroo who gives him a grin and the middle finger as he’s dragged back into the kitchen by Bokuto.

Oikawa slinks into his bedroom and shuts the door.

“Hello, Iwa-chan?”

“Oikawa?”

Iwaizumi’s voice crackles over the line and Oikawa smiles at the sound of it.

“How did our kouhais do? Tsukishima told Kuroo they won four to three…”

Oikawa feels himself relax as Iwaizumi tells him about his day. His voice is slightly rough, and Oikawa knows he cheered himself hoarse during Aoba Jousai’s practice match with Karasuno, no matter how neutral he professed to be as the trainee medic on duty.

“...oh and Coach said to tell you hi and congrats on the victory in your last match.”

“Thanks… All of my quicks with Kuroo failed though…”

“You’ll get them next time.” Oikawa can feel the assurance in Iwaizumi’s voice, and something warm settles in his chest. “How’s dinner with the guys going?”

“Well, Keiji-chan is making his pork ribs stew and Kou-chan and Tetsu-chan  _ think _ they’re helping but really…”

Oikawa chatters about his day to Iwaizumi. Talking to Iwa-chan is his favourite part of the day. It’s always been his favourite part, and now that they’re officially soulmates and officially dating, Oikawa has no qualms about indulging in it.

“What about you, Iwa-chan? What are you doing now?”

“I’m just about to stop by your house and pick up the things from your mom. I hope she doesn’t have too much for me to carry. I have all this stuff from Tsukishima for Kuroo.”

Oikawa can hear the rustle of plastic and paper bags through the phone as Iwaizumi jangles the packages on his arm.

“Oooh,” Oikawa perks up, “What kind of cake is Kuroo getting this time? Is it cheesecake? I hope it’s cheesecake. Kenma doesn’t like cheesecake, which means there will be more for meeee~”

“You’ll find out tomorrow, Assikawa,” Iwaizumi scolds. Oikawa wants to pout and pester Iwaizumi further, but the reminder that Iwaizumi is coming to Tokyo to visit him  _ tomorrow _ sends his heart soaring and he cannot help but beam.

“Your train comes in at ten, right?” Oikawa can’t keep the excitement out of his voice. He’s been looking forward to Iwaizumi coming to visit all week, even if he did just see him three weekends ago.

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi replies, and Oikawa can tell that he’s smiling too. It makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so different from before he realized that Iwa-chan was his soulmate. Sometimes Oikawa still doesn’t think this is real.

Since that night, everything and nothing has changed.

Iwaizumi is still Iwaizumi, and Oikawa is still Oikawa. He still has his wants and ambitions, his fears and insecurities. He still dreams about recent things that have happened to him, still experiences things from his own perspective.

Yet knowing that this is how Iwaizumi wants him to feel changes everything.

They’ve had many long talks since that night, some of them longer and harder than either of them expected. Even though they were soulmates, Oikawa’s soulmate dreams exposed how many misunderstandings there had been between them, and how easy it was to misunderstand if they took things for granted.

He supposes having a soulmate is a lot like having talent. It takes a lot of hard work to make it bloom. But Oikawa doesn’t mind. He’s not afraid of hard work. And Iwaizumi is worth it.

He just wishes that Iwaizumi would have a new soulmate dream as well.

“Will you be there alone to pick me up?” Iwaizumi asks.

“Yes,” Oikawa answers. “Kuroo has a thing with Kenma. So he’s not coming. But I’ll be there. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Oikawa won’t lie that it is a bit unsettling that Iwaizumi hasn’t had a soulmate dream since they’ve been together. They’ve discussed some possibilities and even asked around, but Iwaizumi’s shade of soulmate dreams is rare enough that references are hard to come by.

_ Maybe something is wrong with you. _

The monster inside him whispers. Its voice is feeble and timid, more mournful than menacing, its malicious edge nonexistent.

Iwaizumi knows about his monster, that little voice inside him that channels his doubts and worries.

_ I love you. All of you, _ Iwaizumi always says.

And Oikawa knows it’s true. Iwaizumi can’t fight his battles for him, but Oikawa knows now that he’s not alone. He doesn’t have to bear his burdens by himself.

And that makes all the difference.

“Anything you want to tell me before I meet you at the train station, Iwa-chan?”

Oikawa finds himself reminiscing about a bittersweet dream where he meets Iwaizumi at a train station.

He hears Iwaizumi’s low chuckle. There’s an edge of breathlessness to his laugh that makes Oikawa sit up and press the receiver closer to his ear.

“What is it, Iwa-chan?”

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi’s voice brims with a happiness to it that sends a thrill through Oikawa, “I had a new soulmate dream last night.”

“What?!” Oikawa feels his pulse begin to quicken. He blocks out the murmur of voices and laughter coming from his living room, eager to hear more. “What was it like?”

“I saw myself this time,” Iwaizumi tells him, a faint note of awe in his voice.

It transfers over to Oikawa. “Wow...that is new.” Oikawa feels his heart do a jig. Iwaizumi’s dreams have never had anyone in them, at least not clearly. And if they were supposed to show how Oikawa felt about the future, Iwaizumi appearing in them could only mean good things, right? “What did you look like?”

“Hmm older, wiser...more handsome.” There’s a laugh in Iwaizumi’s voice that makes Oikawa blush. “Is that how you really see me, Tooru? You think I’m handsome?”

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says with a sniff, “everyone knows that I’m always going to be the beauty in this relationship but that doesn’t mean that you’re ugly!”

“Is that so?” Iwaizumi is grinning.

“Of course, Iwa-chan. I have good taste.” Oikawa closes his eyes and hugs his knees together. If Iwaizumi saw himself in his soulmate dreams, that meant that now he knew that Oikawa sees a future with them together. It’s a realization and a relief all at once. Oikawa’s heart feels like singing. “Anything else, Iwa-chan?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says quietly, “you were so happy, Tooru. We were so happy.”

Oikawa leans into Iwaizumi’s voice, into the joy, the hope, and the beautiful brightness; and feels at peace.

“We are, Hajime. We are happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last thing for greendoodle, surprise!BokuAka! :D
> 
> To everyone who has made it this far, thank you for reading, bookmarking, giving kudos, and, most of all, commenting! This has been a joy to write, and I hope that it's brought a little joy to you as a reader.
> 
> Happy holidays, and happy new year!

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave a comment, ask a question, or even just an emoji ❤️🥺🔥👍!  
> I'm also on [tumblr](https://dragonlingdreams.tumblr.com/post/638468911261761536/prisms-and-pixie-dust-an-iwaoi-soulmate-au-fic-for) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/im_dragonling) if you want to talk!


End file.
